I have spent a considerable amount of years in my life telling myself, "I am fine." Those famous words I know you all have heard every important woman in your life say at least once while evidently NOT being fine. And the truth is it's okay to not be fine. It's normal to not be fine. As women we naturally get in over our heads.
I have also spent the last half a decade of my life convincing myself that I am alone, which has turned me into this problem-solving machine that never takes true time to just process and constantly tries to do everything on her own. Every time I hit the wall after running full speed, with a bag full of the weight of the world on my back, I fall hard. I always get back up, but not before letting myself down. I am in a place where I have been taking on so many things while at the same time letting my insecurities rule and reign in my mind, making it nearly impossible to do just about anything without feeling like a huge failure. The last couple weeks I have been a ticking time bomb. And the honest truth is it's MY OWN fault. I have the power to choose. And the choices I am making aren't good ones. Not to say that I am out in the world being this big huge crazy sinner. I have to remind myself God would prefer me hot or cold to lukewarm. I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't been eating well, I have been spending money I don't have, and spending a lot of my free time watching Netlix. As a result, I feel crappy, my skin is breaking out, I'm incredibly stressed out, I am allowing my emotions to get the best of my judgement, and I am barely sleeping. The worse it gets, the easier it is to run. If I want change, I need to choose change. I need to better control my time and my head space. I know God is doing a new thing in me. But I need to get out of the boat and learn to trust that God truly has everything handled. Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that God will not be doing all the work for me. I need to take care of my body, and spend my time in his word and praying rather than watching TV shows to just disappear from the day for a couple of hours. I read somewhere a quote that said, " Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" I believe that truth is freedom. And as a Christian I am called to be constantly growing and not only pushing forward towards my call, but also towards the woman that I am called to be. And sometimes that means bringing areas of unfruitfulness into the light. Breaking habits that are not what God has for me, and making the choice daily to choose God and his best for me. Every day is a new day, and a new blessing. Cheers to moving forward, cheers to the breaking of habits and the removal of blindfolds that have allowed me to see clearly the parts of my life that are not bearing fruit. Thank you Father for constantly pushing me to grow, thank you for being such an incredible Dad that wants what is best for me and challenges me to refocus in times of pressure.
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AuthorPerfectly imperfect artist, lover, musician, poet, worship leader, and above all daughter of the king of kings. Archives
December 2016
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